I haven't written anything in a couple of weeks. I've been processing, well... everything. Even with the season of thanks upon us, I've been focusing a lot these last few weeks (and months) on everything I am NOT thankful for.
And frankly, that sucks!
So I'd like to take this opportunity to express my full gratitude and leave some of that other negative crap aside for just a tiny moment.
A little over a year ago I woke up one day and all of this creative "stuff" was just... there. It felt like a 20 year backlog had been building up in my psyche. I started drawing. I started writing. All of these things came pouring out and it hasn't stopped. I may never understand it, but something opened up in my life like a faucet and if I don't let it out and put it somewhere outside of myself I feel like I will explode.
Now, almost every day, creative things come flowing out. Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it's painful. I feel sometimes like I am giving birth to myself and it hurts. Sometimes it makes me laugh, and sometimes it makes me cry. Maybe it's a "God thing", maybe I'm mentally ill, maybe it's my mid-life crisis (getting a tattoo would be so much easier...)
I've largely been in my own way since I was a young kid. Now I feel like I don't really have a choice but to create. I may never make a dime or be an "important" person. Maybe I'll just produce fantastic, artistic mugs that will end up in a landfill for archaeologists to find someday and think "this is pretty... what was this person thinking???" Some people will be touched by whatever I create, but not everyone is going to like it. A lot of people won't care at all. It's not about the money or accomplishing something or impressing anyone. I can't keep everything inside or I will break.
(On a lighter note, I also need to sell some of it to get it out of our house so I don't end up on an episode of "Hoarders").
Even though I don't really "get" any of it in a logical sense, a much larger part of me says "of course". Don't judge it, just let it be. Keep creating. Whether it's some ethereal muse, or the breakdown of my brain tissues as I age, I just need to let it be here. So it is here. And I don't know how long it will stay. It feels though like every experience I've had in my life has been leading me to this point.
On this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for many things: my health, my family, my crazy wonderful husband who has always been my biggest fan, my friends, my job, my ability to work hard, and creativity. Creativity gives me focus and meaning and purpose in every area of my life. Without it I don't know what I'd be doing or who I'd be. It challenges me every day to improve and be a better person, parent, wife, artist and human.
Even though this last year has been scary, and sometimes uncomfortable, it has also been incredibly exciting. And a quiet voice inside me just keeps repeating "Just be who you are and everything will be ok. Just keep going. Keep creating and it will all make sense."
So here I am. Thankful.
© 2016 Krysta Bernhardt. All Right Reserved.